Dear Miss Maude,

Um, I actually really like this guy and he says that he likes me too, but the problem is he only wants to be ‘friends with benefits’. My friends are worried about me, too–I can tell–but I honestly really don’t know what I should do about this. I like him but if he doesn’t want to be seen with me in public I dont know if I want this?

–Benefit in Distress

Dear Benefit, OMG:

Okay, so I have a serious problem with the term “friends with benefits.”  Because it sounds so good, right? You have the word “friend” — downright fuzzy-wuzzy. You have the word “benefit” — meaning “advantageous or good,” not to mention a totally cute makeup brand packed with poptastic products such as “Dr. Feelgood,” and “Pocket-Pal.” And then you have the word ‘with’ — which is a preposition. In my eighth grade grammar class we learned the following:

The bunny jumped ______ the haystack.

Any word that fit in the blank — over, under, through, up, down, with — qualified as a preposition.

But I’m not here to give you a grammar lesson. I’m here to show you what the term “Friends With Benefits” is doing, bébés. See, it’s working away at our subconscious. Infiltrating our minds. It’s saying:

BUNNAYS!

FUNNAYS!!

Watchin’ the SUNNAYS!!!

In other words it’s saying: I WON’T HURT YOU.

So, um… not to make you paranoid? But Friends With Benefits ain’t nunna that shizz. Unless both people involved are equally “eh, whatever” about the other (in which case, why hook up?), someone (sometimes the girl, sometimes the guy) is bound to get hurt.

See, your guy KNOWS he’s being unfair. He KNOWS he’s putting you in a hurtful position. So, he squirms out of saying something he seriously does not want to admit (to you, or to himself) by relying on some silly, pre-fabricated, light and fluffy phrase. The term “Friends With Benefits” was designed to relieve people (like your guy) of a guilty conscience. He no longer has to do the talking, right? Someone else already did it for him.

Think about it this way: If the term “Friends With Benefits” didn’t exist, what would he have to say instead? If he’d have to say, ”Uh… I want to hook up with you but ignore you in public,” then that is a major EW.

Also, since when do “friends” ignore “friends” in public?

Hahahah…. OMG! I feel so shivery and prickly and, like, righteous right now! I’m like this puffed-up, cod-liver-oiled Victorian woman with a gigantic bosom and her nose in the air, like, “Friend with Benefits?!!!! Hmph!”

AWESOME.

xo

Miss Maude