Okay. If you’re anything like me, then you LIVE to talk on your cellie. Oh, and in case you’re from another planet, like Venusuela or whatever? This is what “talking on the cellie” looks like:

Pretty awesome, righttt?

The thing is, fun stuff almost always comes with a price. Like, can I eat that fourth slice of birthday cake without getting a stomach ache? No. Can I play all day in the sun without getting burned? No. Can I go to second base with a hot Mexican pig without causing a flu pandemic?

I know!

Unfortunately, this whole fun-leads-to-punishment thing? Includes cell phone talking. And no, no… I’m not talking about “brain tumors.” (It’s like, what’s so bad about brain tumors? No one can see your brain.)

People can, on the other hand, see this.

THE CELL PHONE ZIT. Seriously, can you even SEE how sad I am? That thing has totally taken over my face! I’m pretty sure I feel like the elephant man did in that one movie, The Elephant Man… you know when everyone points at him and he flips out, like, “I AM NOT AN ANIMAL! I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!” Yeah, well… I’m even MORE not an animal and you want to know why?

Animals don’t even GET zits. 

Check it:

Check it:

Check it:

Check it:

Uggghhh!!!! ALL of those jerk-offs: PERFECT SKIN. It’s seriously unfair. 

At first I tried remedying the problem with concealer, but the problem with concealer is you still have the bump, except instead of being a red bump, it’s now a skin-colored bump, which is KIND OF THE SAME THING AS A WART. 

Seriously, I was this close to never picking up my phone again (except for unidentified numbers which everybody knows are a) super hot guys who want to date you exclusively or b) someone using you as their Who Wants To Be a Millionaire lifeline). But then I read somewhere like in The New York Times that with a little dark brown eyeliner you can totally transform your zit into a Marilyn Monroe-like beauty mark!

I thought, okay. Why not? At this point, I’ll try anything, you know? 

And it totally works!!! Seriously, isn’t this friggin’ brillz??? I’m so pleased with the result I’ve actually added “rubbing phone all over face” as part of my nightly beauty regime. 

Week 2:

Week 4:

Wheeeeeee!!!! I’m a candle in the wind, y’all!!!

xo