Dear Miss Maude,

I’m sooooo in love with someone that barely knows I exist! How do I get him to fall in love with me?

–Lauren, 15

Lauren, OMG:

I totally know how you feel except even more so because Zac Efron doesn’t know I exist at all let alone “barely.” But if Zac and I went to the same school — and if we were (even roughly) the same age — let me tell you: I’d stop at nothing, nothing, to make him look my way. Like, every time he walked down the hall I’d sort of lean against my locker and studiously examine my nails until the very last minute when I’d flick my eyes upward as he walked by, like, holding a basketball and everything would go slow-mo while the opening bars of “Good Vibrations” started to play except, of course, slightly modified to better express things Zac Efron.

“I-I-I…! I love the gray Nike muscle-tees he wear-a-ares… And the way the highlights play upon his hair-a-airs…”

And then, later that night, he’d call me up and ask me to be his girlfriend. Because, you know, if you stare at boys for long enough periods of time — preferably with part of your lunch clinging to your chin — they almost always fall in love with you.

Okay, fine. That’s a lie.

This is what I really recommend. Talk to him. I know, I know. Totally nerve-racking. Impossible, even. But remember: if he barely knows you… you barely know him. But I do! you protest. I watch him all the time. I know his favorite food is grape flavor and his favorite place is Maui!

Whatever.

Let’s return to me and Zac. I see that Kiehl’s-moisturized pretty-boy face of his and I think: of course we’re perfect for each other! But are we? The things I require in a bf: Must make me laugh. Must challenge me intellectually. Must strive to be a good person but never refer to himself as “a good person.” Must be a nice guy but never refer to himself as “a nice guy.” Must find farts hilarious. Must be loyal.

Is Zac all those things? I mean, I think so… but I can’t be sure. Not unless I talk to him and get to know him. And I don’t have that luxury. Just talk to this guy. And if you can’t talk to him, just think: at least I’m less pathetic than Rachel Maude. I know. Small consolation. But it’s something.

xo