Dear Miss Maude:

There’s this guy and he’s TOTALLY HAWT (sorry — a clique book reference… lol) I’m talking Brad Pitt hawt ladies….(or, for Miss Maude, Zac Efron hawt)
Anyways, he’s a real jerk sometimes and jumps from girl to girl but hes really nice if u talk to him…..HELP!!!!!

LOVE,
Totally Confused

Dear Confused, OMG:

This is the best problem of all time, and you want to know why? BECAUSE IT’S NOT A PROBLEM. When I see a hot guy, I’m all, hot damn. I’m all, hell yeah. I’m all, hallelujah.

I am not, however, all “help.”

Okay, okay. Maybe this “help” has to do with the very practical issue of what to do next. Like, maybe you want The Hawtness to be your boyfriend or something. To which I say… why? Because he’s beautiful? You know what else is beautiful? The sunrise. Has anyone ever watched the sunrise and thought to themselves, you know what? I wanna tap that. No. They pull pashmina shawls ’round their shoulders, smile their “watching the sunrise” smiles, and then they just… watch. And then they’re like:

Why’d I get up early for this, again?

And that’s how it is with hot guys, y’all.

In other news, I’d like to comment on this Brad Pitt vs. Zac Efron thing. Because I have to admit, on the hotness scale? They’re kind of a draw. Which probably means Zac’s looking for his Angelina Jolie-equivalent. Which is why — and I really can’t stress this enough, ladies — Zac needs to call me.

Um… excuse me? You don’t think I resemble Angelina Jolie? Well. Maybe you should check out these TOTALLY UNDOCTORED photos of me and my adopted Burmese son, Monx Maude Efron…

AND

EAT

YOUR

WORDS.

Only so many sunrises I can watch, Zacky!

Only so many sunrises I can watch.