Dear Miss Maude:

There’s this guy and he’s TOTALLY HAWT (sorry — a clique book reference… lol) I’m talking Brad Pitt hawt ladies….(or, for Miss Maude, Zac Efron hawt)
Anyways, he’s a real jerk sometimes and jumps from girl to girl but hes really nice if u talk to him…..HELP!!!!!

LOVE,
Totally Confused

Dear Confused, OMG:

This is the best problem of all time, and you want to know why? BECAUSE IT’S NOT A PROBLEM. When I see a hot guy, I’m all, hot damn. I’m all, hell yeah. I’m all, hallelujah.

I am not, however, all “help.”

Okay, okay. Maybe this “help” has to do with the very practical issue of what to do next. Like, maybe you want The Hawtness to be your boyfriend or something. To which I say… why? Because he’s beautiful? You know what else is beautiful? The sunrise. Has anyone ever watched the sunrise and thought to themselves, you know what? I wanna tap that. No. They pull pashmina shawls ’round their shoulders, smile their “watching the sunrise” smiles, and then they just… watch. And then they’re like:

Why’d I get up early for this, again?

And that’s how it is with hot guys, y’all.

In other news, I’d like to comment on this Brad Pitt vs. Zac Efron thing. Because I have to admit, on the hotness scale? They’re kind of a draw. Which probably means Zac’s looking for his Angelina Jolie-equivalent. Which is why — and I really can’t stress this enough, ladies — Zac needs to call me.

Um… excuse me? You don’t think I resemble Angelina Jolie? Well. Maybe you should check out these TOTALLY UNDOCTORED photos of me and my adopted Burmese son, Monx Maude Efron…

AND

EAT

YOUR

WORDS.

Only so many sunrises I can watch, Zacky!

Only so many sunrises I can watch.

Dear Miss Maude,

Um, I actually really like this guy and he says that he likes me too, but the problem is he only wants to be ‘friends with benefits’. My friends are worried about me, too–I can tell–but I honestly really don’t know what I should do about this. I like him but if he doesn’t want to be seen with me in public I dont know if I want this?

–Benefit in Distress

Dear Benefit, OMG:

Okay, so I have a serious problem with the term “friends with benefits.”  Because it sounds so good, right? You have the word “friend” — downright fuzzy-wuzzy. You have the word “benefit” — meaning “advantageous or good,” not to mention a totally cute makeup brand packed with poptastic products such as “Dr. Feelgood,” and “Pocket-Pal.” And then you have the word ‘with’ — which is a preposition. In my eighth grade grammar class we learned the following:

The bunny jumped ______ the haystack.

Any word that fit in the blank — over, under, through, up, down, with — qualified as a preposition.

But I’m not here to give you a grammar lesson. I’m here to show you what the term “Friends With Benefits” is doing, bébés. See, it’s working away at our subconscious. Infiltrating our minds. It’s saying:

BUNNAYS!

FUNNAYS!!

Watchin’ the SUNNAYS!!!

In other words it’s saying: I WON’T HURT YOU.

So, um… not to make you paranoid? But Friends With Benefits ain’t nunna that shizz. Unless both people involved are equally “eh, whatever” about the other (in which case, why hook up?), someone (sometimes the girl, sometimes the guy) is bound to get hurt.

See, your guy KNOWS he’s being unfair. He KNOWS he’s putting you in a hurtful position. So, he squirms out of saying something he seriously does not want to admit (to you, or to himself) by relying on some silly, pre-fabricated, light and fluffy phrase. The term “Friends With Benefits” was designed to relieve people (like your guy) of a guilty conscience. He no longer has to do the talking, right? Someone else already did it for him.

Think about it this way: If the term “Friends With Benefits” didn’t exist, what would he have to say instead? If he’d have to say, ”Uh… I want to hook up with you but ignore you in public,” then that is a major EW.

Also, since when do “friends” ignore “friends” in public?

Hahahah…. OMG! I feel so shivery and prickly and, like, righteous right now! I’m like this puffed-up, cod-liver-oiled Victorian woman with a gigantic bosom and her nose in the air, like, “Friend with Benefits?!!!! Hmph!”

AWESOME.

xo

Miss Maude

Okay… I have a whole bunch of questions to answer for Miss Maude Monday and wants to get to them all, so this week? I’m making EVERY day a Monday. Yeah, I know. Kinda sounds like the worst thing ever, right? Well, it’s not. Waking up to discover your cat’s excrement spattered on the bathroom wall: Possibly the worst thing ever. Cleaning up cat crap with Lysol and a roll of Charmin’s: Possibly the worst thing ever. Dutifully crapping on the wall — all over again – to show your seriously unskilled cat how it’s done…

Still. If there’s one thing I’ve always said it’s this: a true leader leads by example. And it’s a principle I apply to all facets of life, beginning with my cat, and ending?

With you.

Dear Miss Maude,

I’m sooooo in love with someone that barely knows I exist! How do I get him to fall in love with me?

–Lauren, 15

Lauren, OMG:

I totally know how you feel except even more so because Zac Efron doesn’t know I exist at all let alone “barely.” But if Zac and I went to the same school — and if we were (even roughly) the same age — let me tell you: I’d stop at nothing, nothing, to make him look my way. Like, every time he walked down the hall I’d sort of lean against my locker and studiously examine my nails until the very last minute when I’d flick my eyes upward as he walked by, like, holding a basketball and everything would go slow-mo while the opening bars of “Good Vibrations” started to play except, of course, slightly modified to better express things Zac Efron.

“I-I-I…! I love the gray Nike muscle-tees he wear-a-ares… And the way the highlights play upon his hair-a-airs…”

And then, later that night, he’d call me up and ask me to be his girlfriend. Because, you know, if you stare at boys for long enough periods of time — preferably with part of your lunch clinging to your chin — they almost always fall in love with you.

Okay, fine. That’s a lie.

This is what I really recommend. Talk to him. I know, I know. Totally nerve-racking. Impossible, even. But remember: if he barely knows you… you barely know him. But I do! you protest. I watch him all the time. I know his favorite food is grape flavor and his favorite place is Maui!

Whatever.

Let’s return to me and Zac. I see that Kiehl’s-moisturized pretty-boy face of his and I think: of course we’re perfect for each other! But are we? The things I require in a bf: Must make me laugh. Must challenge me intellectually. Must strive to be a good person but never refer to himself as “a good person.” Must be a nice guy but never refer to himself as “a nice guy.” Must find farts hilarious. Must be loyal.

Is Zac all those things? I mean, I think so… but I can’t be sure. Not unless I talk to him and get to know him. And I don’t have that luxury. Just talk to this guy. And if you can’t talk to him, just think: at least I’m less pathetic than Rachel Maude. I know. Small consolation. But it’s something.

xo

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Dear Miss Maude,

I like this guy, but he has major mood swings. Sometimes he’s the perfect gentleman — other times he’s a total jerk. Is it worth pursuing things with him? Or should I put the idea out of my mind and stay friends… 

–Swing Upset, age 14

Miss Upset, OMG:

There’s totally an Aretha Franklin song about this! Aretha Frankin, for those of you not in the know, was the Beyoncé of her day. Some of you may recognize her as the woman who sang herself into a coma at Obama’s Inauguration, you know — wearing the bedazzled dead-cat bow hat?

Okay. So, despite her terrifying taste in headgear, woman knows a thing or two about the mens. Here’s A-Franks on mood swings:

Your love is like see saw, baby/ goin’ up, goin’ down, goin’ all around/ just like a see saw… You change just like the wind/ that ain’t right/ that ain’t right/ that ain’t right/ that ain’t right, baby.

Dude.

Are you seriously going to ignore not one, not two, but FOUR “that ain’t rights” from this woman? 

Now, I’m not saying boys shouldn’t be allowed to be moody once in a while. Maybe he’s just tired. Or hungry. Or mommy confiscated the Xbox that morning. If you can’t imagine a finger-wagging, no-you-didn’t song about it, you probably shouldn’t take it too personally. Remember, the typical Beyoncé song goes like this:

Any other day, I would call, you would say/  “Baby, how’s your day?”/ But today, it ain’t the same/ Every other word is, “uh huh, yeah, okay/ Could it be that you are at the crib with another lady?

Not like this:

Any other day, I would call, you would say/ “Baby, how’s your day?”/ But today, it ain’t the same/ Every other word is, “uh huh, yeah okay/ Could it be that you forgot to eat your string cheese?

Know what I mean?

Anyway. Whatever the cause of his mood swings, there’s never a good excuse to be rude, and make someone (like you) feel like crap. If that’s what’s happening, girl… walk away. And leave the swing, the see-saw, the whole damn playground, to his cranky, bad self.

*Have a question? Need some totally wack, unprofessional advice? Email me at DearMissMaude@gmail.com!

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