Okay. If you’re anything like me, then you LIVE to talk on your cellie. Oh, and in case you’re from another planet, like Venusuela or whatever? This is what “talking on the cellie” looks like:

Pretty awesome, righttt?

The thing is, fun stuff almost always comes with a price. Like, can I eat that fourth slice of birthday cake without getting a stomach ache? No. Can I play all day in the sun without getting burned? No. Can I go to second base with a hot Mexican pig without causing a flu pandemic?

I know!

Unfortunately, this whole fun-leads-to-punishment thing? Includes cell phone talking. And no, no… I’m not talking about “brain tumors.” (It’s like, what’s so bad about brain tumors? No one can see your brain.)

People can, on the other hand, see this.

THE CELL PHONE ZIT. Seriously, can you even SEE how sad I am? That thing has totally taken over my face! I’m pretty sure I feel like the elephant man did in that one movie, The Elephant Man… you know when everyone points at him and he flips out, like, “I AM NOT AN ANIMAL! I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!” Yeah, well… I’m even MORE not an animal and you want to know why?

Animals don’t even GET zits. 

Check it:

Check it:

Check it:

Check it:

Uggghhh!!!! ALL of those jerk-offs: PERFECT SKIN. It’s seriously unfair. 

At first I tried remedying the problem with concealer, but the problem with concealer is you still have the bump, except instead of being a red bump, it’s now a skin-colored bump, which is KIND OF THE SAME THING AS A WART. 

Seriously, I was this close to never picking up my phone again (except for unidentified numbers which everybody knows are a) super hot guys who want to date you exclusively or b) someone using you as their Who Wants To Be a Millionaire lifeline). But then I read somewhere like in The New York Times that with a little dark brown eyeliner you can totally transform your zit into a Marilyn Monroe-like beauty mark!

I thought, okay. Why not? At this point, I’ll try anything, you know? 

And it totally works!!! Seriously, isn’t this friggin’ brillz??? I’m so pleased with the result I’ve actually added “rubbing phone all over face” as part of my nightly beauty regime. 

Week 2:

Week 4:

Wheeeeeee!!!! I’m a candle in the wind, y’all!!!

xo

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Wait. Fashion Tip Tuesday on a Thursday? That’s right, incredulistas. I am Rachel Maude and I exist OUTSIDE OF TIME. It’s like, here I am, toiling away at my laptop, ice-packing the rhinocerosian bags under my otherwise sprightly and vibrant brown eyes — just another drizzly mid-May Tuesday in Brooklyn, right? Ha! No. In fact, almost seven decades and two days have passed without my even noticing! My studio apartment is seriously like NARNIA, you guys. Which is a relief because — in addition explaining the bags under my eyes and the tiny tea-swilling faun who lives in my closet — it explains my total lateness updating my blog! You know, it’s just like John Lennon says: Life is what happens while you’re making other plans. I guess my life adds up to sixty-eight years of Googling pictures of malignant moles, Charlie Rose in various stages of undress, and my Amazon ranking. In other words? My life has gone exactly according to plan! Hahaha! Suck on that John Lennon! (But not really ’cause you’re dead and I love you.)

So! On to the fashion tip:

You know those totally cute empire waisted babydoll tops that everyone wears over jeans these days? I totally figured out a way to a) buy one that nobody else will be wearing guaranteed (i.e. you’ll get major props for originality) and b) do so at a majorly discounted price! What’s my secret you ask?

MATERNITY TOPS!

Seriously, have you ever tried on one of these things without the burden of a boring-ass baby bump? In one version you’re teetering around like a fat tick on stilts, but in the other (and this is the version we’re in, bébés!) you’re flitting about breezy as a butterfly. Seriously, all I had to do was tightly cinch my maternity top-of-choice with a ribbon and because I’m NOT PREGNANT (just a little gassy, okay?), all that extra material gathered into these fantastic, figure-flattering flounces and folds. In the end, the top didn’t resemble a top so much as an awesome baby doll dress: the kind of thing you can just as easily pair with opaque tights and slouchy boots as wear over jeans.

The other cool thing about maternity tops? You can get them for cheaps! Retailers rightly assume Tick Women aren’t going to break the bank for something they’ll wear nine months out of their lives. Which is why they sell them at scandalously low prices. I swear you can get some super hot numbers at places like Target or Old Navy, and because you choose to wear them NOT IN THE WAY THE TARGET LORDS INTENDED — you’ll look totally unique and cool.

Don’t believe me?

Check it:

Check it:

Check it:

Check it:

Yeah, this last one might need a hot pink belt to spice it up, but you get the point. Totally cute baby dolls, am I right???

Be the first on your block to rock one!

xo

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Okay, so lately I’ve been super into the skinny-belt-over-cardigan thing. Have you guys noticed this? Instead of buttoning your cardigan, which is so boring and intuitive, you bring in a totally unnecessary accessory and make getting dressed ten times more complicated. Check it:

Or — if you’re the type who needs celebrity stamp-of-approval — check it:

What’s with Scarlett’s face, btw? It’s like her teeth fused into one giganto uni-tooth. I know, I know… I’m being mean. But just ’cause I’m jealous.

OF HER TOTALLY AWESOME UNITOOTH.

Anyway.

In between writing the Poseur books, looking for treasure in my cat’s kitty litter, and dream-stalking Zac Efron, I’ve totally revolutionized the skinny-belt phenomenon. That’s right. Bringing it to a new level ladies! What have I done you ask? Aren’t a little old for Zac Efron you wonder?

Answer to the second question: WE’RE ALL THE SAME AGE IN OUR DREAMS.

Answer to the first: I skinny-belted my scarf!

See, one day it got a little too hot for a cardigan, so I put on my favorite James Perse wifebeater. It’s like three years old and has gone through eight gazillion washings so it’s a little on the threadbare side (i.e. you can totally see all of my bra) which is a little too slutty, even for me. And I’m a HUGE slut, bébés! Just ask Julius, the guy with the scraggle-beard who practically lives in a lawn-chair outside my local laundromat. When he’s not blasting Marvin Gaye on his scotch-taped boombox, or bumming cigarettes from his cronies outside Bagel Delight, he calls out to bedraggled, laundry-addled women (like me) and orders them to smile. If they refuse (like me) he mutters, “bitch” or “stupid slut.” I know, right?

It’s like he knows.

Anyway.

I draped a fluttery, printed silk scarf over the wifebeater (oh. Make sure your scarf is in a breezy, light material — because a wool scarf with a summery tank? Might look a little nutso), and then skinny-belted it into place. The cinched scarf looked so good I was like: I would do this even if I wasn’t wearing a skanky-ass tank-top!

Here. For visualization purposes, I drew a quick concept-sketch. (I took the pic with my laptop, so it looks a little ghetto — but you get the idea.)

I wore my scarf cinched in the middle, but you can try wearing it open, too. Like, check out Natalie Portman’s hot-to-trot Rodarte dress in this photo:

With an extra-long chiffon scarf and skinny belt (or even a delicate ribbon) you can totally create the same effect! And it costs, like, one millionth the price. I mean, unless you’re wearing a Chanel belt with a Hermès scarf, or something. In which case, ehm, I’m not jealous. Seriously.

Slut.

xo

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