POSEUR NATION

Let’s CELEBRATE the FIRST MONDAY OF THE MONTH with….

                MISS MAUDE’S ILLUSTRATED GUIDE TO FLIRT-TANG

    ♥ Eight cute and simple rules to follow upon punishment of death. ♥

1. Next time your crush greets you in the hall with a casual, “Hey,” try replying, “. . . IS FOR HORSETH!” and gallop around in circles. To amp up your sex appeal, snort emphatically while tossing your hair.

2. Bring a banana to school. At lunch, seductively peel the banana, smiling at your crush the whole time. Now that you’ve got him going, slowly smash the banana into your left eye.

3. When it comes to attention-getting style, drop that “sexy bombshell” look for understated glamour. And remember: no girl’s wardrobe is complete without a classic little black diaper.

4. If you’re too shy to talk to your crush, why not pass him a note? I recommend, “You’re my sole reason for living.” It’s a great icebreaker.

5. BE CONFIDENT. Confidence is the number one thing guys notice! Besides boobs.

6. BE BOOBS.

7. Find subtle ways to draw attention to your assets. If you want him to notice your lips, slather them in lip gloss! If you want him to notice your butt, slather it in lip gloss!

And finally…

8. WEAR RED. It’ll remind him of your period.

Tellin’ it like it is, bébés! One Monday at a time…

xo

Miss Maude

Dear Miss Maude,

There is this guy who keeps flirting with me. Normally I would be OK with this, seeing as I kinda like him, but this particular boy is dating my best friend. We used to like each other before he dated her, and I don’t know if he is purposely flirting or just acting out of old habits. I do know that I don’t want to be the reason they break up. Is there anything I can do to make him stop flirting?

Sincerely,

Confused Girl

P.S. I already pointed it out, and the flirting has continued.

Dear Confused Girl, OMG:

FLIRST OF ALL:

I’m pretty sure “purposely flirting” and “acting out of old habits” are the same thing. Not that I’m saying flirting-by-accident doesn’t happen. For instance, I knew this guy once who really laid on the charm. I mean like constant unwavering eye contact, super cute smiles, and an almost physical incapacity to keep his hands off me. I know!!! I was 100 percent sure he was ABSOLUTELY ON-PURPOSE FLIRTING WITH ME.

Baby Justin: Not Flirty. Just Gassy.

Turns out he was a COMPLETE INFANT.

My point is, unless this guy of yours happens to be a deeply un-self-aware “Baby Justin-type,” then yes: he’s very intentionally flirting with you.

Now, in my experience (and I’ve been around the block, bébés!) THERE ARE TWO FLAVORS OF FLIRT-TANG: ego-oriented flirt-tang, and goal-oriented flirt-tang.

Let me ’splain:

Ego-oriented flirting is relatively harmless. Flirting is a skill, after all: the more you do it, the better you get. It’s important to keep yourself in fighting shape, so when you do meet the guy or girl of your dreams, you’re ready to CONQUER and DESTROY them.

Whoops! Hahaha. I mean captivate and delight.

It’s a balance, of course. You don’t want to flirt ALL THE TIME with just ANYONE because then, in the words of Karl Marx, “your flirt-tang loses value.” In other words, when the time comes to flirt with the guy or girl of your dreams, he or she won’t feel, you know, special. And making your object-of-desire feel special is a key part of CONQUERING and DES… splagh!!! Sorry, sorry…

A key part of captivating and delighting them.

FLIRT-TANG FLAVOR #2: goal-oriented flirting. Now, don’t get me wrong. The ego’s still involved here. The fundamental difference is this: you’re no longer flirting just for kicks. You’re no longer flirting so you can wink at yourself in the mirror and say, “Ya still got it, you sexy son-of-a-scrumpet!” No. You’re flirting to forge a romantic bond (that’s the “goal” part). Now, forging a romantic bond is totally cool if you’re single.

Totally GROSS if you’re not.

So! Back to Confused Girl’s question:

Sweet, devoted, and loyal Confused Girl seems to think her BFB (Best Friend’s Boyfriend) has crossed the line from ego-oriented to goal-orientated flirting. In other words, he’s out to forge a romantic bond. So. What will she do to stop this derailed locomotive of lust? This roaring rocket of passion? This Segway named Desire?

Production still from the Historic Off-Off-Off Broadway Production of A SEGWAY NAMED DESIRE starring Zac Efron and the luminous Miss Maude. Miss Maude descended into mental illness shortly after this photo was taken.

Step #1! You can’t just take BFB aside, “point out” he’s flirting, and expect him to stop, okay? (He knows he’s flirting. No need to inform him). If you truly want him to stop flirting you have to explicitly say: “Stop flirting with me.” And you can’t say it like a sweety-poo push-over, either. No. You have to say it like tough-as-nails, do-not-mess-with-me, wack-as-crack cowboy.

STOP ... FLIRTING ... WITH … ME

Step #2! Remove yourself from situations and environments in which flirting may occur. In other words, do not hang out with him one-on-one: no choosing him as your lab partner, no forming a study group of two, no swinging by the GAP BODY where he works as Head Associate Panty Man just to say hi, no getting into rickety row-boats with him so you can drift-together-as-one across picturesque lakes and feed the fuh-reakin’ ducks, and, of course, no returning flirtatious texts, phone calls, emails, notes, or bat-signals of any kind.

And you know what? Even after all that he still might find ways to flirt with you. Which is why—when it comes down to it—what he does is not your problem. You’re only responsible for your own behavior. And as you didn’t write to ask, “What can I do to stop myself from flirting?” (BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT FLIRTING BACK, ARE YOU???), then cut yourself some slack. Sounds to me like you’re a pretty solid friend.

Tellin’ it like it is, bébés! One Monday at a time,

Xo

Miss Maude

Dear Miss Maude,

I go to a secondary school where there are cool people, pretty people, and random people—i.e. me and my friends. I am more than happy to be a loon and laugh like a loon at lunch with them. But it appears the cool and pretty people have problems with our randomness. They laugh, murmur, and imitate us when we’re right next to them.

Is there any way we can freely convey our looniness to the world in a way that won’t make us laughingstocks among those non-appreciative people? Or is there a way to actually make people appreciate it?

From,

A Puzzled Loon.

Okay, so let me get this straight. You’re perfectly happy being a loon. At the same time, you want the popular crowd to accept you. Well, um, here’s the thing:

You can’t have both.

It’s kind of like that saying about art. “If your parents like it, you know it’s lousy.” Now, substitute “art” with “lunacy,” “parents” with “popular people,” and what do you get?

If popular people like you, you’re a LOUSY LOON.

Or, more to the point: not a loon at all. Seriously. Loons are outsiders. Loons are weirdos. Loons deviate from the norm. If the high school overlords aren’t laughing, well …

You’re just not doing your job.

You want to hear the looniest thing of all? Once you leave high school, pretty much every cool person you meet will insist they weren’t cool in high school. It’s seriously like a badge of pride.

And, in certain circles, a hard-core competitive sport.

So, I couldn't play any sports cause of my asthma? Yeah. I kinda spent all of 10th grade holed up in my room raising prehensile lizards...	Oh yeah? Well, I had a lazy eye a wore an eye patch to school. Yeah. And one time this guy poured rum all over my backpack and set it on fire...

Oh, yeah? Well, I was born pigeon-toed. And by pigeon-toed, I mean my toes are literally pigeons. It's basically why I had to move to New York...	Whatever, you jokers! I was never even born, okay? I'm just a composite of wine corks, toothpicks, and reclaimed denim

Agh! Agh! Do you even SEE these weirdos?

We mortal loons don’t stand a chance!

Xo Miss Maude

You know how the kid in THE SHINING keeps saying ‘red rum, red rum’ and at first you’re all w.t.f. until he writes it on the wall and it’s reflected in the mirror and it reads mur der and you’re like, omigod, AHHHHH!!!? Well, it’s exactly the same with Poseur. All you have to do is flip the ‘p’ upside down, mix the letters around, and…

pOSEUR

CURSEd

I know! Are you totally freaked out?!

Okay, fine. You have to change the O into a C to make it work but, whatev. The world would be a much better place if C’s were O’s, in my humble opinion, because then I’d get to be all, “I’m an oat person,” and, “um, I’m sorry, but Matthew MoOonaughey is so not oute,” and, “My name is Raohel, and I’m an alooholio.”

Anyway.

C’s and O’s aside, Poseur really is cursed. Check out Poseur #1, page 72:

“Janie glanced up at the guy standing directly next to her. He looked like a less grumpy version of Heath Ledger, one of Janie’s absolute favorite actors.”

When I wrote that line? Heath Ledger was alive. In the month it was published? He died.

Poseur #3, page 71:

“Stage?” Melissa piped up, eyes shining. As with any exhibitionist, the word “stage” had a near physical effect on her. Like saying “open bar” to an alcoholic, or “playground” to Michael Jackson.”

When I wrote that line? Michael Jackson was alive. In the month it was published…?

You’re catching on.

The day after MJ beat it, I called my editor. I was like: Remember how I wanted to name my book, “Skinny Jean is Not My Lover”? How insensitive would it have been to publish a book called “Skinny Jean is Not My Lover,” like, the day Michael Jackson died? Ha! Good thing I named it Petty in Pink, right? After the seminal eighties movie, Pretty in Pink, directed by John Hughes, who… is not… who… um…

That’s right. HE WENT AHEAD AND DIED, TOO.

I know.

I know.

Totally.

Freaky.

This is the thing: I LOVE Heath Ledger. I LOVE Michael Jackson. I LOVE John Hughes. If I had my way they would live FOREVER. Also if I had my way they would live together… so I could move in with them. Yeah, at first we’d fight because we’d have nothing in common, but then we’d discover a shared passion for fashion, put our differences aside, and start a fashion label!!!

Heath Ledger: The Hippie Goddess

Michael Jackson: The Cool Coquette

John Hughes: The Shy Punk

Rachel Maude: The Ghetto-Glam Egomaniac

Agh! Agh! What could have been.

Anyway.

From now on I promise only to mention celebrities whose lives I personally consider expendable. Which is actually really hard because celebrities kind of deserve to live more than other people.*

xoxo

* With the possible exception of Matthew MoOonaughey.